I got asked to show a 5 year old Dutch Warmblood this show season. I've ridden her for the past month and everything has been perfect. We get to the show and I get on her because we're the first 5 classes of the morning. She was okay-- fast, quick. We get into the show arena and as soon as I get across the diagonal and ask for the left lead, she picks up the right. Its like 210% more difficult to get the wrong lead on her. What a great start...

First jump was the single brushbox going down. Got to a tight distance but it was acceptable. Got to the corner and asked for a change. All I got? Popping her right shoulder out. So she trotted to fix it. Got around the corner and headed to the single oxer going up. She threw her head up into the air and pretty much dragged me to the base of the jump. Next was the line in 4 strides going down. Now Paris has about a 13-14ft stride, and for being 15 hands tall, that's pretty amazing.

Long spot in, she dragged me out. Its funny the moment you realize you might get 3 strides in a 4 stride line. Pretty much pulling on her face to get her to close her stride just a hair. Up the diagonal, which wasn't pretty. Down the judge's line which also wasn't pretty.

The rest of our day went like this, just add not getting changes.

After the show,
I've just been doubting myself.
Am I really a good rider?
Why did she ask me to ride Paris?
I can't even f-ing canter a course without mistakes.


What's my point on earth?
My life doesn't matter.
I always find it funny when people say, "your life matters."
because, truth is,
it doesnt.
Sure, it does to the people around you.
But half-way around the world,
people don't know who you are.

I just want to ride a fucking horse and forget about the entire fucking world.